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Pragmatic, reserved and a deep thinker who loves family, sports especially football where am married to two wives: the first, AC Milan who has my loyalty and the second wife, Manchester United who has all my undying love and pampering, lifestyle and society parties. Need I say the law is more than a profession but a lifestyle for me.

Adekanye Adeyinka Olajide.

I do it for me

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You are here: Home / #LivingThroughTheHeart: RELATIONSHIP.

#LivingThroughTheHeart: RELATIONSHIP.

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In countless confabulations with people: friends and acquaintances alike, I have come to realise that we humans are a struggling bunch and nothing seems to be perfect. These struggles vary from relationship to emotional or psychological difficulties. Overtime, I have pondered hard on why we all seem to be battling with a thing or two. In my careful attempt to decipher this phenomenon based on interactions with others and personal experiences, I have come to the conclusion that struggling though an inevitable part of man, should not lead to an immutable situation as to become a dilemma. It is essential to have various battles; but it is more apposite to conquer them all.

A whole lot of the problems we enmesh ourselves into like a web are self inflicted for we have failed to harness the full potential of our inner strength and wherewithal. Life is unfathomable as it is the only test wherein a man is his own teacher – we learn from our own mistakes as well as that of others – there is no manual to living.

Life is a self-pilgrimage; one that all we do is for ourselves. It is a self-seeking journey. The earlier we realise this, the better. Even if we are born a twin, we live and die alone. Above all, we are accountable to the superior being because even in judgement, we bear it alone. That is why during a trial in a court on earth, no matter how much connivance and joint participation there was in an offence, each is tried and examined individually.

My point is this: you are responsible for your own actions and protecting your own interest in all dealings especially when it affects others, it is your prerogative. Be it for relationship, financial, moral or spiritual purpose, it has in its core the gain of the “self” for committing into it. In other words, we must bear in mind it is not a non-rescinding commitment. Committing to any course or agenda should not make us give others the power to control us; thereby, making us slaves to their devices of control through our obligations to them. No commitment or obligation to anyone or anything no matter how critical it might be is far more important than the “self interest”.

It is this ridiculously tenuous thoughts we create a reality out of that takes our identity from us. The sour truth is that when we are hurt or let down by a most trusted ally, whatever comes out of that lies solely on how we handle it. Taken together, humans are meant to disappoint; that is why we are humans and not God. So when they let us down, should that steal our joy? NO! Yes we can hurt, but sure we cannot remain downcast as a result. It is to help us admit the fallibility of man. Thus, what we must do is pick ourselves up, dust it off while ensuring that we identify the blunders made and letting it serve as a deterrent in subsequent life dealings.

Now when a lady tells me: “I can never love again because all men are the same” or a dude says to me “these ladies cannot be trusted. They all just want what you have” I do not even feel pity for any of them. I just reply that “likes attracts” then, I ask them: who asked you to try them all? Truth be told though, many men/women are jerks! But are we not supposed to have certain parameters which are to guide us in choosing our partners? These yardsticks are the shock absorbers to limit the effect of the hurt we will experience. And once we set into them and realise that they are not what we bargained for, why stick? At an instance, you don’t want a battering relationship; yet when a man beats you up severally, you keep letting him beat you more. Come on, it is obvious that contrary to what you say, you find love from the beating and I will suggest you take more pummelling till you are beaten to a pulp. Reality check is when we realise that what counts is the “self” once that self is not being satisfied anymore, use a parachute. You will fall yes but saved from an impending disaster!

Fundamentally, we have to discover ourselves. Find the real you, do not live a fictitious life, do not conform or be manipulated by your environment or society. The good lord did not take his time in making the 7+ billion people in this wicked world so that you can then become a facsimile of another. If God wanted a photocopied human race with identical frames and reasoning, trust me he has the best technology to make such possible.

So, don’t come telling us you gave someone your all or that he even shagged you and how much you satisfied him only for him to ditch you. If I were in his shoes, I would do same. The reason is simple: giving your body, time or anything no matter how intangible to someone should be because you most desire it too; without any ulterior motive or exchange for any other thing such as love. No one should be hopeless enough to think that the only way to getting them hooked is by letting them use us – it is just condescending. Our choices must be done out of desire and self-will so that regardless of the outcome, it is borne and never regretted.

Once you say to a man “the instance you get what you want, you will leave” you have passed the wrong message. Sister, I tell you by that harmless statement, you’ve shown you are an emotional wreck and an insecure freak. A friend told me of a friend he had been involved with in Scotland who despite all, acted like he was a total stranger when he ran into her weeks later. He could not stomach it so he decided to confront her. He was promptly told that there was no need for familiarity. She had only allowed all they shared to happen for she desired it. This is a sharp contrast to ladies who do not have an identity of their own. Tell me why will a partner not use you when the relationship is clearly done with gains as motive? You went into it with a premeditated mind of using it as a trade by barter where all is offered in exchange for things that are far beneficial. I am inclined to the fact that most of the relationship problem in this county is as a result of poverty. Many cannot act reasonably except there is an advantage to be accorded them. This motive makes them capricious, thus even their kindest gesture is suspect! This is a fatal self caused mistake hence, the reason why we often fall for the wrong people.

Are you conversant with the reason why God judges the heart? Asides from the fact that the heart is the witnessing camera to all our acts, also it is the x-ray to our thoughts, it is the one organ that never pretends. Indeed the world will be better if we can live through our heart. By so doing, we can stop being pretentious while ensuring that we live a life pleasing to ourselves. If the “self” is fulfilled, it transcends to a happy personality which will then rub on our dealings with others.

Our problem lies in conforming to the will and demands of others. We allow ourselves to be conned into thinking a particular thing right or wrong forgetting that is all it is “thinking”. Nothing is right or wrong except it is perceived so. The law exists to bring order and control for the heart of men which is so desperately wicked cannot be given the liberty to be on the loose.

We must realise that life is a roller-coaster ride with lots of intrigues, fears, suspense’s, thrills, excitements and passion. We must choose to scream or laugh through it all and knowing that regardless of the turbulence in the ride, even when we are dizzy, we pick ourselves up and forge on!

- ADEKANYE ADEYINKA OLAJIDE