I met my husband when I was 20,
though I had been involved with a few other men before him, I had never been in
love with anyone else. There was nothing concrete between us until 3 years
after. We subsequently courted for another 3 years. I was attracted to him
though he is not the usual tall type; he looks strikingly handsome to me. All I
thought of was him; since we met, my life never remained the same. He looked
out for me although he was not as rich as I was as a young lady – I had the
option to ride in my parents choice cars while he had volks wagen – so he could
not take me to Paris as my parents will, but I sure loved my baby. I was so
sure I had found it all when I found him.
He
finally proposed to me after a year. I could not hesitate: I said yes. Our
marriage was all over the pages of newspaper courtesy of my parents. It was my
dream wedding, the talk of the town. We had two car gifts among other valuables
we received.
Everything
was perfect until I got pregnant. Then the man I married turned into a monster
overnight. Love no longer lived in my home; I became a stranger in my own
house. He would go out without notice, come back late at night. He had this
aloofness about him; he no longer cared. My husband would not even help me with
anything in the house. All the house chores were on me even right after birth,
I still had to cook his meals else there was trouble. He stopped communicating
with me. I was disconcerted when he came home one day and notified me in
passing he had resigned from work. Stunned is an understatement of how I felt
on this unilateral decision. Things got tough as I had to joggle different
jobs, shoulder all responsibilities, yet manage the home front while he
largesse in an extravagant life. Things deteriorated so badly between us during
my second pregnancy as I had to go for my antenatal treatments all by myself.
He just would not bother neither about the imminent birth of our coming child,
or the one at home.
This
is heartbreak, deeply based for me. Now I regret the day I said yes; all am
left with are pictures of the good memories we once had. My man transformed
totally. The sad thing is he is so impenitent. I cant even fathom him anymore.
This man does not even care about his own kids; he will not even change diapers
for his own kids and if peradventure, they pee on the rug, I had to scrub off
with a disinfectant. Of course it is normal to do that but the way he reacted
with such fury; made me feel he despises his own children. He paid no iota of
attention to us – his immediate family, lacked any kind of concern. Has no love
for us and now I feel so used; it is like am a slave to him, as if his reasons
for marriage was to use me to satisfy his needs and immediate desires.
The
more distressing for me is his lack of love for his kids. I remember coming
home from work after a stressful day only to meet my first son crying with our
maid; ostensibly, he had fractured his arm after falling. I was alarmed and
asked why they had not called their dad. The maid said he had been informed and
he said he was going to send someone to check up on them. Common! This is your
own son I thought to my self. I drove him down to the clinic like a lunatic;
thank God I did not hit anyone as I manoeuvred at the roundabout.
I
cannot even count it all. Is it how he treats my family now with total contempt
I want to mention or how he has become so insecure when he sees me with other
men? That time, he acts like am his property being intruded upon. Oh jeez, I
cannot forgive him for the way his family treated my family at one of their
parties. It was a mammoth celebration of one of his brothers and they had
negligently failed to provide adequate accommodation for my folks despite
promising a room had been reserved for them at a choice hotel. My parents were
not taken to the room until late. They moved round hotels to finding a room to
no avail. Oh don’t ask me, about me. Provisions were not made for my children
and me.
Honestly,
I am traumatized. This man takes the air out of my lungs. I never thought love
will give me the most pain in my life – now what I cry in a day is more than
the raindrops you will ever get in a month. I do not know whether I should
become “#Ray Charles” to all these sufferings. My estranged husband literally
leaves me out to dry and acts like everything is perfect. Can he not see that
my Achilles heel is love? I do not get enough of it. I want the man I used to
know back not this devil that has taken over his soul and feeds on him as his
host. I know my husband is still in there; but caged!
I
just want a divorce. But then, I am too scared what the society will think of
me. Most importantly, am worried for my two lovely sons – I don’t want them to
grow without a father, nor become the man their father, my husband has become.
Please
save me! What would you have me do? I am left stranded in my nightmares as I
have been killing my self by trying to heal this broken marriage.
- ADEKANYE ADEYINKA OLAJIDE.
Well, self preservation is key.you need to stay alive for the sake of your children. Staying in a loveless marriage is the easiest way to die young. And also pray for God's guidance, as there's nothing impossible for God to do.TB
ReplyDeleteFor things to went from sweet to sour is a very bad thing; if u were my sister, I won't let u stay in this marriage 'cuz it shows its not getting fixed. To me I think its better u be a single mom than to let ur kids notice there is no single love from their dad to their mom. Its a shame some men av to treat their wives this way...this really touched me and may God always protect u and ur children. Please be prayerful and stay positive...it is well!
ReplyDeleteChai! This is a very difficult puzzle to unravel! It's no news that some men change after marriage. It must have been something. He could not have changed for no just cause. My dear sister, try to answer these few questions: 1) Has your sense of dressing changed from the classy lady you used to be before marriage to the look of a housewife who has no time for herself? If your answer is yes, sweetheart, start dressing up! Go sexy at home! Wear the most provocative outfits you can get at the market. There's something my husband calls "open heavens". The intimate attires that virtually covers nothing. Invest in them, dear. They have never failed. Men are at their weakest point when their sexual urge is turned on! Take the children to your mother's. It might even be their cries and running about that is driving him crazy! 2) How do you speak to him? Do you tend to speak rudely when you're angry? If yes, please, tone it down a notch. Be the nicest you can be. Treat him like he's your God. 3)How does your face & hair look? Take out time to always look good. Apply light make-up at home. Wet your lips with shimmery lip gloss. Baby, go sexy all the way! Ok, I know what is running through your mind at the moment- it wouldn't work, girlfriend! It's a gradual process. Keep trying. 4)Most of all, how is your prayer life? This life is a war zone! It's a survival of the fittest. Yorubas will say "Elemi lo ma last", meaning "The strongest mind will last on the battle field". It's your marriage! Your for-better-for-worse! Don't let it go! Hold on tight to it. The enemy is waging war against your marriage. Don't let them win. Don't give up. You'll be victorious at the end. Ok, you're thinking again, "it's not as easy as you make it sound". Life is not easy. Marriage is not easy. Just don't give up. The wise woman buildeth her home. For the sake of your children, pleeeeease, don't give up! May the good Lord help you fight this battle, for the battle is not yours, but God's.
ReplyDeleteVery salient points you've raised. She alone can honestly appraise but she wishes me to relay to you that she has an exquisite sense of fashion plus she is a delectable woman. She says she is well cultured but cold have lost her temper a few times under this immense pressure. However, though she has not been as seductive as you've prescribed, she tries her best but he just will not pay attention. For her, the anguish is as a result of the transferred hate to his kids! She is prayerful as well but these years have drained her emotionally, physically and spiritually. She needs a reprieve!
DeleteLove d points u made simi...a woman has to be very prayerful cos dats d strongest arsenal she has..."Open heavens" got mi laughing out loud love d phrase
Delete...Well, The 1st person dat commented on dis post has said it all. Self preservation is the key. Simisola has also reeled out some good points on the matter @ hand. U said u want a divorce but dat u are scared of wat the society ll think of u. My dear, d same society u are scared of, has it been with u in ur house through the period of pain u ve passed through???. If u decide to stay put in d abusive n loveless union, will d said society be in ur house if/when more abuses n pain come???. These are Rhetorical questions dat u know their respective answers. In dis life, one has to be pragmatic abt certain thingz, especially issues as crystal clear as d one @ hand. Yes, Everyone desires a happy/blissful union, The 'happily ever after ish n all dat crap'. Unfortunately tho, reality could be quite different. I must mention tho, dat as a lawyer, i ve been trained to know dat there are always 2 sides to a story. Ask urself the 4 aforementioned questions outlined by Simisola n see if u also ve inadvertently contributed to the issues @ hand. If after doing dat, u still feel u r innocent of any wrong doing, then my dear, u ve to do d NEEDFUL, n forget abt the society, a very hypocritical society @ that!!!, before the mental trauma u ve been goin thru leads to something else n totally incapacitates u. Wish u luck.
ReplyDeleteWell this might be situation whereby the guy regrets why he married u just because u did something wrong or maybe he feels very intimidated judging from ur wealthy background. Figure out the problem n fix it...Abby
ReplyDeleteAbby, I don't agree with you that he feels intimidated by wealthy background. From the story they knew each other for 6 years before they eventually married. He must have been comfortable with it all along to have proposed. I also don't think this man is from a poor background. He just maybe isn't from one as rich as hers!
DeleteOn doing something wrong, well we never can tell. But we are all human with our frailties. Should that warrant this torture he is putting her through?
this is traumatic....
ReplyDeleteWhat the world says is not your biz! Ma’am, be sincere to yourself and for the sake of your kids take a break from your so called husband as I do not support divorce as a first option. Maybe your absence might open up his blind eyes to see the special gift he is losing. Yes, prayer is vital. Spend more time with God and train your kids in the best way you can. It is pointless dying in humiliation and pain when with your freedom the world is yours to take.
ReplyDeleteApart from Simisola who is married, I don't see how we can 'imagine' what you are going through. Even Simisola cannot do it justice as its a unique situation of yours.
ReplyDeleteI must say that I am sincerely sorry for what you are going through right now. However, this story only tells about your parents wealth, a perception that you married the man even though he was not in your 'class', and the troubles you faced in your marriage.
My concern is that we don't have the 'true' picture of things here. Don't get me wrong, I don't doubt that you speak the truth as you know it.
You have failed to tell us what you have done so far to salvage your marriage, if any. There are many things not known to us here Mrs.
I will say you do a soul search first. How have you, your family or friends contributed to this crisis? ( something not mentioned in your story). Have you even sought to talk it over with your husband? I bet he is hurting too. The society is just what Penny said, but be sure to GIVE IT ALL you have got first before you GIVE IN.
I wish you the very best.
Another brilliant submission Goke. However as I mentioned in a reply to Simi, obviously, she is only from a richer cadre; the man ain't from a treacherous family either. At least things must have improved with the husbands family to have had a celebration that had them book virtually all the top hotels in the town. She says she ain't the type that keeps lots of friends and respects her husbands decision with regard to such matters!
DeleteAbout her own family members; they don't interfere. I hardly tell them how he treats me at home. Even when am broke I find a reason to tell them. Is it right that he chose to resign without informing about it? Yet I never complain. I foot all bills and he doesn't even appreciate them!
Am not claiming perfection. Yes I falter but I don't harm him emotionally. Is it a crime that one of our sons have asthma? Should he transfer the hate to them too? There was a night our second born poured hot oil on himself: I was cooking with the gas cooker and backed the stove on the floor. Wasn't aware he had crawled in and pulled the frying pan to himself. He reigned abuses on me. I alone took him to the clinic, got back same night and finished the food he still demanded to eat. I was riled up.