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Pragmatic, reserved and a deep thinker who loves family, sports especially football where am married to two wives: the first, AC Milan who has my loyalty and the second wife, Manchester United who has all my undying love and pampering, lifestyle and society parties. Need I say the law is more than a profession but a lifestyle for me.

Adekanye Adeyinka Olajide.

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You are here: Home / SEX A PROOF OF LOVE. IF NOT, WHY IS CHEATING A PROBLEM?

SEX A PROOF OF LOVE. IF NOT, WHY IS CHEATING A PROBLEM?

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A dedicated reader of my blog asked a very cogent question in one of her comments on a previous publication; "SEX: ITS PLACE IN TODAY'S RELATIONSHIP." Apparently she had seen a tweet that commented on why people cheat on partners and connected it asking if sex is not love, why do people cheat? It is as a result, that I promised Sarah to share what my opinion is on this sensitive issue. Though neither intended to address with an air of righteous indignation, or an intention to strike a sour note from any one. It is simply to discuss a matter with no attempt to trivialise it!

We must clarify in unambiguous terms that sex does not always go with love. Love is a functional resolve, which distinguishes the kind of affection we have for a certain type of people or thing. Our love for God, which is infinite is the agape form of love. While a love for family and friends is one that inspires no sexual attachment, ideally.

The one we are concerned with however, is between lovers. It is no doubt that sex and love are a pair that can't be separated. In fact, they are an inseparable Siamese twins if you like. Indeed, men are sex driven and are wired to love more with sex. But, I'd categorically like to state that: sex unequivocally, is not love. It is only a major component to loving. You can say it is about the most important in all the goodies that come with loving.

Sex is a lustful feeling; therefore, it can not be love. It is a biblical tradition reserved for the institution of marriage. Hence, even though in a world where we all have abandoned the commandments of the holy books, we must admit no matter how guilty we are that sex is not to be engaged in between individuals who are not married - since sex got easier, love got harder. Sex, becomes only legitimate upon marriage when a man and woman becomes one after the man must have left his parents and cleave to his wife. Indeed, it is a major ingredient for the fulfillment of the rule of becoming one! Once the couples after marriage, get involved sexually, it becomes a covenant binding them together in flesh and spirit. In fact God is clear on the importance of sex between couples when it was provided in 1cor7: 5 Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency. Meaning that starvation is indeed a sin unless when concurred to. Thus, it is a duty as well as a rule to satisfy each other sexually but only if married. The word of God is clear also that married couples must not cheat on each other in Heb 13: 4 Marriage is honourable in all, and the bed undefiled: but whoremongers and adulterers God will judge.

Haven said that, it is often described as a "five minutes madness". Subsequently, proof that sex is not love is that after the intercourse, and all nerves relaxed, there are strong indications that one could hate the person you have had it with or not get calls from them again once it is over. It is only a fact that some are not easily satisfied while some can go hours none stop, many can only manage to barely last a few minutes which often leaves the unsatisfied partner reasonably disappointed, upset at the inability to be adequately satisfied. Or in most cases just abhor totally the way we have been handled or the styles we've enjoyed during the act. However, when you love a partner, then you will not only love their sex but stay faithful to such partner no matter how woeful doing it might have been; even when they are a "one minute man".

In the modern world, sex is indeed for sale - a device to use what one has to our benefit. It is a case of no money, no honey. In our local parlance "na money for hand, back for ground" which means a lady will only lay down to have sex once she already has the dough in her purse. So tell me where the love is especially when our youths sleep with our "aristo" fathers so as to have the latest Z10 phone, ride the poshest cars in town and have all what money can buy or is it when a girl who claims to love will jump ship at the slightest opportunity once her needs are not met? It is so bad that a friend said to me sometimes back after I had questioned his lifestyle that all girls are "call girls" because you've to give your woman money once she comes to you, so also if you go home with a pay girl. So he said sex is only a condition precedent for lovers to exchange sex for money. It is well documented that a tribe in Nigeria entertains their guest with their wives, though it has to be an august revered guest. And in another tribe, women notify their husbands before going to visit her "ale" - concubine.

Apparently, it is so conspicuous that it is not a proof of love when partners stick to each other regardless of faults inherent in them. For example, in our society pro-creation is so cherished as children are deemed as arrows in a hunters quiver; some couples stay forever in love despite their inability to bear children of their own who even stand firm in times of adversity and pressure from in-laws just as it is said: love me, love my dog! Now that is an undying love people. You love only when you wither storms together. Thereby, having stories to tell the world for it takes two to tangle and when one is down, the other lifts him/her up as it is not good for any to be alone not physically but as an emotional, moral and psychological support.

It is worthy of note to mention that an orthodox church still encourages love as the basis for the foundation of marriage and not sex by having an Esther's group meant only for virgins and they are groomed in God's ways till they marry in a very loud celebration. This epitomises the essence of love as unmarried couples get to know each other more and determine their compatibility without a clouded judgement.

Look at the world as it is now and you don't need to be told that sex is only a way to get what you desire. The way women dress so seductively to lure men to bed, eventually using it as a tool to blackmail for scandal. If not why are these stories revealed only when the men are successful? It is obvious that's when they can get good sums for their effort. The Clinton Scandal, that of Kobe Bryant, Kanye West and even our own Wiz kid are clear pointers. Or is it how men take helpless ladies for ransom when their help is needed for jobs, or money and any favour at all so as to bed them; standing in the way of that favour until the ladies succumb? So in a changing world where sex is the new order, be careful who you take to bed.

After elaborately showing that in my opinion sex is not a proof of love, I think why people cheat can be deduced or inferred. It is a certainty that one cheats only because love was never the foundation wherein the relationship is built. When you love, you cannot bring yourself to disappointing your partner and cheating will be a thing you despise only because you don't want to lose what you share. Where you love and still cheat; it is in cases of achieving and bringing down a tough target. For men it is a conquest. For women it is the ability to penetrate through a seemingly impenetrable target. In other cases, it is a psychological issue. If he/she doesn't cheat, they feel they don't love again. While for some it is the sheer pleasure of the risk of being caught, they laud their brilliance and ability to keep you from discovering. It is different reasons for different temperaments. One we might never be able to know all about.

Whatever it is our reason for cheating, I suggest we purge ourselves of those weaknesses and be contented in what we have loving it through with a renewing affection. Though, knowing we are not flawless but not allowing ourselves to be flawed. Ensuring that we daily demand of ourselves a better way of life even when it seems impossible.

- ADEKANYE ADEYINKA OLAJIDE.